she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
