I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
