at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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