dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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