After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
