My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
