Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
