she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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