dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You made out with two different species that night
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
