so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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