just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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