Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
