she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
