I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
