So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
