I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
