I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
