3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
