you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
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