I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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