omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
