in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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