He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
