I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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