census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
