So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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