Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
