I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game