If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
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There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
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Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE