Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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