update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
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Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
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By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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