If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
