My girlfriend figured out who you are.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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