You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
