It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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