I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
