hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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