Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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