Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
