You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
