4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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