I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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