proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
