How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
