If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
