hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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