I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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