i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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