If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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