So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
