I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
