sarcasm needs its own font
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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