I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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