Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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