Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
