when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
